What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 07:05
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When do you feel most peaceful ever?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He knew the spot.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What do you think hell is like?
Ive learnt so much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What is the most craziest dream you ever had?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What one thing makes someone a very mature person?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Android 16 QPR1 Beta 2 tests new Gemini launch animation with vibration - 9to5Google
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
What questions are asked in a JP Morgan Hirevue interview?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I think the readers, may guess!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She found it foreign!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I said to her
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.